a struggle

The last couple of days have been a struggle. The hill seems steeper and I feel I am not going to make it up. 

I have had the beginning of another flare up. It seems to be every time I come of the steroids it happens but unfortunately not this bad. Perhaps I did not come off them slow enough. I have come to the point I would love my old life back before ra. No pain when I wake up, no morning stiffness, no joints becoming locked or deformed. Maybe I should work in an old persons home, I would largely sympathise with them. Yes love I know what it's like not to be able to get from a to b quickly. 

I don't know how I am going to get out of this viscious circle. I never know how to cope or think logically when I have a flare up, it completely throws me each time. I feel that my thoughts and feelings do not make me a good Christian sometimes. I feel alot of people have expectations of me to keep a painted smile on my face because I have many good qualities in my life, and I have Jesus, but people do not understand how RA can drag you down, how it can limit you to many things and how you miss out on many things in life because of it. 

a busy day

Tuesdays are always a busy day for me. 

Today I had a meeting with someone from Church, then my supermarket trip. In which of course included lunch because I needed the energy to push the trolly round a large supermarket. 

I enjoy shopping, Supermarkets make life easier in a way, you can get anything from clothes, to toothpaste to a sneaky packet of chocolate. I have tried on line shopping to help me feel less tired, later on in the day, but I feel it's good to get out and be around people. 

If we are not careful, the internet can make people very isolated when we rely on it for everything. 

I felt like it took me a while, but I made it to my singing lesson. 

I have always enjoyed singing, and over the last two years been working hard building strength in my vocal chords. I feel my lessons are where I get away from the worry and stress of life, it's a fun thing to learn new things on how to improve my voice and sing a few different songs. I feel singing is one of the positive things in my life. 

The weather wasn't very good today, but despite the effects and feeling stiff, I carried on and managed to get from a to b, and tomorrow I am looking forward to a rest day.

the end of a long day

Today has been a long day.

I felt particularly overwhelmed today with the feeling of isolation and un-worthyness. I don't like feeling like this, and even though life is busy and I have things to do, I feel overwhelmed with the limitations I have and often wonder what it is like to be someone else. I hope I am not the only one who thinks that sometimes. Yet when you feel you are doing the same old same old and want something a bit more exciting like a job or career, lots and lots of EXPECTATIONS override my logical thinking and I loose the will to enjoy the life I have sometimes. 

I have tried many techniques and things to overcome this. I have attempted CBT, mentoring, freedom in Christ and the Grace course. Sadly whilst they help at the time, tiredness and pain continue and I can only make a cup of tea and have a lie down.

At the beginning of this year, I made a promise to myself, to stop putting such big expectations on myself, and to take each day as it comes, to appreciate, this is the day the Lord has made - and to be grateful what I have.

It worked up until last week. Then slowly I went down hill, became tired and stiff again. I had various appointments, one in London and so the rushing about to London has slowly crept up on me today.

Still I managed to do most basic things, meet a friend and take my daughter swimming. That is what is most important....

introduction-trying to cope with RA.

as many of you know, that suffer with RA, life can be tough.
I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid arthritis at age 17,  a delicate age, where lets say I would rather have been out having fun and thinking about my future in a positive way.
Rheumatoid arthritis is not the same type of athritis as 'old people' have. I think many people get confused with different types of athritis and don't often know what an impact it can have on someones life. In some cases we are told to just get on with it. 
Each day someone who has RA, wakes up with morning stiffness, sometimes this can last up to nearly lunchtime, the pain doesn't wear off but can be temporarily cured by painkillers and medication that a rheumatologist or GP has prescribed. 
I have to say, that the only medication I seem to agree with is Prednisolone, I am not 100% keen on this drug, it has many side effects and also a higher risk of heart failure for someone also with chd.
I have to take each day as it comes, I am lucky enough and grateful enough to lead as much of a normal life as I can, being a mum and a wife, yet I don't work and have to be careful how much physical activity I can do. It's hard to explain to your little girl why you cannot go on the walk to the local shops and help the class. 

It is a shame, as I know it's important to exercise and keep healthy and fit with RA. Some days though it is just not worth the risk.

Sometimes, having RA does affect your identity. You have many limitations, sometimes if the disease is not monitored and treated straight away this can cause some joints to become deformed. 

When we live in such a 'barbie let's look fantastic' world, for RA sufferers and those with illness, this can affect our outlook on life and how we feel about ourselves. 

I try to think of 5 things to be thankful for and my faith gets me through things and to look past the 'barbie fantastic world' we live in. Although, I am not sure I will ever be able to accept it as part of my life...we'll see...